Yep, I am.
I think I would handle it better if the image I saw in the mirror was a toned, defined body as opposed to a fluffy body with cottage cheese thighs. (it’s ok to laugh at that description, I’m not saying it for sympathy). They say we are our own worst critic and I am definitely out to tear myself down.
There’s always someone prettier, better, smarter, faster, the list goes on. And it’s true. As long as you keep comparing yourself to everyone there will always be someone better than you in every aspect – except being you.
I’m not sure when it began, probably long ago in those early years. I was always a fluffier kid. I was active sure, but I’m betting my diet was crap. As long as I can remember I’ve had an affinity for carbs – specifically sweets. I probably should have gone into competitive eating because a pack of oreos or chewy chips ahoy were no match for juvenile Kim.
So each day I battle the addiction to eat sweets and the addiction to be thinner – most days the carbs win. And then I hate myself. I’m sabotaging my own goals and I can’t for the life of me understand why. Don’t I desire to be in shape? Then why do I keep wrenching my goals away from myself? I can workout until I’m red in the face, until every fiber of my body feels broken, until I can’t lift another bar – and then I’ll do it all again the next day. I have NO problem doing that. So why can’t I let go of the carbs?
Is it because I am obsessed with the scale? Am I scared of what I’ll become once I DO reach a goal weight? Will it not be good enough for me? Will I keep reaching for a smaller number? Or will I actually be satisfied, relieved, actually ENJOY life? I guess there’s only one way to find out. This week will be consumed with the planning stage and slowly integrating better eating. Next week – it’s ON! I’ve got to tighten these reigns and see what happens when goals are reached!!